


I'm leading myself to be free, in this eternal goodbye

by kibagib



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fanart, Feelings, Fluff, I Tried, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27561019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kibagib/pseuds/kibagib
Summary: “Yeah, remember to never get wasted if Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani is around. Not my finest moment, but the headline was on point.”
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	I'm leading myself to be free, in this eternal goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> A few months ago I posted a fanart, and well, thanks to Sanguinespire on Tumblr who encouraged me to write something inspired by it, here we are! And thank so much, Aeriel, for checking it out, you helped a lot!
> 
> English is not my first language (more like the third...), so I hope I haven't made too many mistakes. Enjoy!
> 
> Title stolen from the song Within Me by Lacuna Coil.

**After Rannoch**

It felt weird.

Kaidan held the datapad without paying much attention to the report he was supposed to finish about what had happened on Rannoch. His eyes fixed on the chessboard that had appeared out of nowhere in Shepard's cabin after his solo mission to retrieve Omega. Or rather, to help Aria regain her throne.

It felt weird being there.

He closed the damn report, and not very gently put the datapad on the small table in front of him. Sighing, he leaned back on the couch where he and Shepard had been discussing their options a few hours earlier. The Normandy's course set for the Citadel, where Shepard had to meet the Asari Councilor, and apparently Miranda Lawson as well.

Shepard looked really tired. Or rather exhausted. And Kaidan didn't quite know what to do to help him, other than to try to take some of the burden that came with the title of Commander of the Normandy. Well, it wasn't like Shepard was a person who was able to relax, but no one could do it in that situation, probably.

Kaidan sighed again. Sometimes he missed when everything was easier. When there were no Geths, no Reapers, and no Cerberus to be part of their daily reports. When he didn't carry the weight of being a Spectre on his shoulders, nor the deaths of comrades he never thought were going to be so important to him. When his only concern was his next destination, which ship was going to be his home for months, maybe years.

It still felt weird. To be there, in Shepard's cabin, sharing moments that even seemed frivolous considering everything that was happening around the galaxy. And he knew it was stupid to feel like that, but after all, Kaidan _was_ like that.

Like the night before. Yeah, they had spent several hours studying what direction they were going to take after the small success on Rannoch, despite the loss of Legion, and contacting Hackett and Kasumi to find out how the construction of the Crucible was progressing. But when Kaidan noticed that Shepard's eyes were beginning to fall shut, he managed to convince the Commander to take a break and try to sleep. It had not been easy, not at all, thanks to John's sense of responsibility, but it had been a small triumph to see him get up with a grunt and begin to remove his Alliance uniform, and then with not so good intentions inviting the Mayor to accompany him to bed.

It felt weird to share that kind of intimacy with Shepard. Don't get him wrong, the sex was good, _very good_. Yeah, okay, it was sweet, and mind blowing, and slow, and messy, and sometimes desperate, and funny. Sometimes, Shepard stared at Kaidan in that way, a half smile, narrowed eyes, and everything was less complicated. And Shepard had a strange sense of humor, though Kaidan wasn't far behind, either. But even though Kaidan seemed optimistic, which he tried to be in most situations no matter how screwed they were, the fact that their relationship was something tangible felt out of place. He didn't even understand himself sometimes.

" _Commander, we are approaching the Citadel. ETA 15 minutes._ " Kaidan stared up at the ceiling, where EDI's synthetic voice echoed, and opened his mouth to tell the AI that Shepard would come down as soon as he finished showering, but it wasn't necessary.

“I'll be there in a few minutes. Thanks, EDI."

" _You're welcome, Shepard._ "

Kaidan snorted in amusement when, without giving him time to even turn and look toward the back of the cabin, Shepard was already there and threw the towel he had just used at his head. " _Shepard_ ," he growled lamely under the damp cloth.

"Kaidan, I don't think a simple towel can undo your hairstyle," replied the Commander, "it would be a waste of all the credits you spend on those products.”

Getting rid of the damn towel, and with the intention of answering to the inside joke, which already came from the first Normandy, Kaidan fixed his gaze on his partner and no words wanted to come out of his mouth. With a grimace, and the memory of the anxiety and fear he had felt during the mission on Rannoch, he couldn't take his eyes off the marks that adorned Shepard's back. Chakwas had managed to get Shepard to the Med Bay after chasing him around the ship for at least an hour, but she hadn't been able to stop the Alliance marine from getting his way and ending up leaving the infirmary without any medical treatment. _There are more important things to do right now, Karin_ , and with that the conversation was over.

Staying in the Normandy while Shepard faced a Reaper had been his decision. Well, to be exact it had been his decision before he- _they_ knew there was going to be a Reaper waiting for them, but the feeling of guilt and frustration didn't go away. He relied on Tali and Javik to help the Commander -ok, on the Protean, not much- but Shepard was full of surprises, some of them not so pleasant. No one would have imagined such an outcome, although with the Commander nothing could be surprising. At all.

“Although, it would be interesting to see the reaction of your fans on the extranet.”

“I don't think that reaction can be compared to the one you got when you visited the Dark Star Club.”

“Yeah, remember to never get wasted if Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani is around. Not my finest moment, but the headline was on point.”

Kaidan got up and walked over to where Shepard was standing, his fingers gently brushing one of the purple markings on the other man's right shoulder blade. He didn't notice any change from the touch, and John went on with his task of zipping his Alliance pants.

"You're a good distraction, Major, but I don't think the Asari Councilor will remain sympathetic if I don't make it to the meeting on time because..." Shepard said, turning his head slightly with a not-too-subtle grin, and Kaidan snorted.

"It was not my intention."

"If you say so," Then Shepard grinned again, this time full of satisfaction. He walked away from Kaidan to grab a t-shirt and the N7 hoodie, and continued with his task, muscles stretching.

_Too much distraction. Yeah, know that feeling._

"I think I'd better go before everyone... Well, you know," Alenko kept his gaze fixed on the metal floor, but only for a few seconds, and then he picked up the datapad from the table and started walking towards the cabin door, where the red circle that marked the entry lock was still active. Not very subtle if someone noticed the Major's absence on Deck 3.

However, Shepard stopped his confident steps, lacing his fingers around Kaidan's bicep, while with his other hand held onto the hoodie and tried to pull on the t-shirt.

"If you need anything, you know where you can find me," Kaidan shrugged, feeling Shepard's grip lose strength, "I have to finish this report and you know I'm not a big fan of all those lights and noises... No shore leave for me, I think."

"Is this because of the regs?"

"Huh?" Shepard's gesture was neutral, but Kaidan knew him too well to believe that a simple _huh?_ it would make those blue eyes stop reflecting a certain bewilderment. "No... Yes? I don't know."

"Cortez knows." A pause. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. Finally, John put the hoddie on and zipped it up, then added **,** “Our favorite Shadow Broker, probably. EDI? I'm pretty sure. She knows everything."

"And that means- Joker too."

"Yeah. EDI doesn't know how to keep secrets."

"Garrus?"

Shepard shrugged. Kaidan sighed.

Afraid of the regs? Of course Kaidan was that kind of person who didn't feel right if he didn't take the _imposed_ path, and he probably would have remained that way if he hadn't ended up being part of the Normandy's crew. Also, he was now a Spectre and he wasn't sure if the regs would count in that case. And being both Spectres? Hell, why was everything so complicated?

And if he had followed the rules instead of his instincts during the Coup...

"Look, Shepard, I..." Everything around them was chaos, and this, the two of them, was the one thing he really couldn't lose for something as insubstantial as regs. _But._ “It's hard, you know? I think too much about everything. Huh. Nothing you don't already know.” Shepard drew a half smile. "Honestly? A part of me wants- sometimes you're there, next to me, and I think about- I don't know. I wish I could be more... _free_. But we're in the middle of a war, there are millions- no, billions of people suffering and dying while I think of something _so insignificant_. We've lost comrades. Family. We have been lucky to survive so many things. And I don't think I have the right, but at the same time I want to have it."

“Kaidan-”

"No, wait, let me..." He raised the hand that wasn't holding the datapad. Shepard nodded patiently. “This is new, so new for me, and probably for you too. And I'm not good with words, at all, even if you think otherwise. Hell, I hated when Allers interviewed me." The Major placed his hand in the middle of Shepard's chest, and with his head lowered, continued, “This is not the best time to start anything, and we may be being a bit selfish, but I want this. _Us_. Because, yeah, it was really a big step for me to invite you to Apollo's, and you said yes, and- I keep thinking about what I told you. It makes me so happy, _this_ , and I'm not going to regret it. No. Not after Virmire. Not after Horizon. Not after Mars. Not after Ash, Earth, my father..."

"So, fuck regulations, huh?" Shepard's eyes gleamed. Really gleamed.

Kaidan straightened his gaze, and grinned, “Yeah, exactly. And if you don't care about regs, neither do I. Anyway, I don't think this is as secret as I thought." They both chuckled, and finally Kaidan's hand traced a short line down the zipper of Shepard's hoodie. "And some of them are our friends, so, yeah, fuck everything."

“I'm happy that we're clear. Besides, we're both Spectres now, above the law, and all that."

"Heh, yeah, you could say that."

And suddenly, a comforting silence took over the cabin, only the hum of the ship and the aquarium as the only witnesses. Blue eyes fixed on brown eyes. For minutes, or maybe a few seconds, Kaidan wasn't sure.

"It was on Horizon."

Kaidan blinked, twice. "What do you mean?"

"It was there." As if in slow motion, Shepard raised his left hand to gently rest his fingertips on Kaidan's jaw. His thumb stroking the Major's cheek. "Then I realized..."

He felt a lump in his throat. But it wasn't an unpleasant sensation. “I- Ah. Yeah. I know, Shepard." And there was no need to say anything else. Not right now.

For an instant, Kaidan felt free. Lips touching his. Fingertips caressing his arms, his neck, his chin. There was no war. There was no Cerberus. There were no Reapers. There was no death, just a moment of peace within the chaos that was beginning to push them. Happiness, nothing more, because for him, John was no longer Commander Shepard. He was John, only John. His support.

_Everything would be alright._

__

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Link to the fanart: https://kibagib.tumblr.com/post/622189192212054016/it-was-on-horizon-what-do-you-mean-it-was"


End file.
